It’s been a long time.

The trouble with long-term separations from people is that you have the illusion of knowing them, when if fact you only know how they were, not who they are.

As some of you know I have been largely estranged from my family for a long ling time.  I think I haven’t seen some of them for probably close to 19 years; longer than I knew them in the first place.

During that time there have been life events; weddings, the birth of children, the adoption of children, illnesses, funerals, divorces and achievements that have changed the very fabric of who we are all as human beings not to mention how we view the world and interact with others.  I do not know how to interact with some people from my past while others seem to be much clearer to me.

Tonight I asked someone something that I guess you shouldn’t ask people and no, it was not their salary. Because I figured I know this person, I felt comfortable asking them.  They were offended by my question.  I apologized and said Merry Christmas.  On one hand I feel sincerely bad that I managed to offend someone two days before Christmas and on the other hand I feel like I should walk on eggshells to be some perfect glowing light person.  If I offend someone in person I usually apologize on the spot and know what the person needs; space, a treat left on their desk, a hug etc.  I don’t know what this person needs in order to know I meant no harm.

I guess what I am saying is that even though the title of a certain relationship is still there doesn’t mean that the relationship, in the deeper sense, is still intact.  Kind of like diet ice cream; you can call it whatever you want; but it isn’t really ice cream.

I feel like I have one foot in one world and one in another.  I cannot pull them together to create one world.  Logically I know this to be true, but my heart doesn’t always accept this information as fact.

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I want a hippopotamus for Christmas…

I don’t really.  I mean to say who wouldn’t want a hippo, or at least consider a pygmy hippo as an awesome Christmas gift?  I am not getting one, nor a sea lion nor a walrus nor any cute animal that Timothy keeps reminding me will poo and pee all over the house and eat up our savings and that we don’t have room for.  I sometimes wonder if we didn’t have kids if I would be allowed to have such animals because I like to keep my options open…

Every year Tim gets me a gift card for Christmas.  I like it, it allows me further ways to exert control in my own life.  Not this year folks.  Tim bought me actual presents.  I do not, not know what they are.  They are a surprise.  Mostly to you because I was there when I picked them out.  But you don’t know what they are unless you are the one person I told who shouldn’t tell anyone because I was informed that I wasn’t supposed to tell.  I was forgiven when I explained that I was too excited not to tell and that I was salivating over all three of them.    They are all really neat and hopefully one of them if not all three of them will influence this blog.  Maybe two of them but I am not sure how to incorporate all three in a safe and appropriate manner.

Xzavier was given his Christmas present phone back tonight and has been texting Tim and I non stop.  I like texting with my son.  When he texts me, he is my son.  When he pees in the toilet and doesn’t flush he obviously belongs to Tim.  Xzavier is an amazing kid.  He tries hard in school, feels genuine remorse usually right after he realizes and accepts that he hurt someones feelings and is obsessed with hotdogs lately.

Every year growing up my Mom bought us a new Christmas ornament.  I have continued that tradition although I have had to loosen my Nazi-esq grasp on all frosty blown glass ornaments to allow for Nerd Mickey Mouse – Tim 2013 and a fetus looking Spider Man – Junior 2013.  Xzavier chose a tasteful frosty blown glass hotdog ornament.  Again, a moment where he is my son.

Back to Christmas shopping.  Today was the only day in 4 years that I actually went Christmas shopping.  I usually have an exclusive relationship with Amazon.com.  I will pay the extra few dollars involved to have the gifts I want to give people lovingly  waiting at my front door when I get home each day.  It also allows me to buy myself a few things here and there without the dirty looks from my loving husband because I say “those are all for you so lose the look”  and then I scamper up the stairs to play with my new toy.

This year, several of the packages were not for anyone in my family; they were a family that some co-workers and myself adopted for the holiday.  We usually have a white elephant gift exchange where we all end of with some 15-20 dollar piece of crap gift that someone was probably re-gifting in the first place.  We all chipped in and made someone else’s wishes come true this year.  The only downside is that my guilt that there weren’t enough gifts magically had the ability to spread to other peoples kids as well.  We did our best.  Something is better than nothing when it comes to Christmas gifts, not herpes so I’ve heard, but it is a good philosophy for gifts.

Merry Christmas everyone.  I don’t have to say Happy holidays because it is my blog and I don’t have to be HR appropriate or PC.  I celebrate Christmas.  I live for stocking stuffers and hate wrapping paper.  This is my holiday mindset; pick out what you want and I will buy it.  I don’t need you to be surprised, I want you to be happy.

P.s.  If you need to get rid of your pygmy hippo, please ship it to me via Amazon and I will just tell Tim ” that one is for you so lose the look”  but like the moment when Xzavier picks an awesome ornament; the hippo will also be, just mine.

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