The Ticking

I am in my livingroom listening to the song “Lament” from EVITA.  So you know.

The ticking of time, the light filtering through the trees on the edge of the yard illuminating the grass like a field of fires.  This is what comes to mind when I think of that time.  The time in my life for the ticking.  The ticking off of people from one of many lists that I need to call from to say my good-byes to the ticking of the clock in our downstairs hallway that has always seemed to tick louder when you were waiting for something important to happen.

I think that I would just go on living life as usual until the last month of my life if I knew it was coming.  I would still have a family to take care of, bills to pay and dogs to walk.  I would not want my family to remember that the last six months were spent on frivilous things.  I want them to remember me as a dedicated husband and father who expended every last bit of life or energy to make sure they were provided for.

The last month I would spend with my son and daughter and husband and friends and family.  I know how to use commas, but I want you to feel that I keep adding people to my lists of those I would want near me.

I know of my own mortality, I have dealt with terminal illness before and it has to prove to be terminal before I slow down, perhaps because I refuse to go stagnant and let it take over like vines on an old brick building.  I have too much to do to sit idly waiting for the ticking to stop.

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