Nice weekend, if you can get it.

Hi Everyone,

Just checking in after a nice weekend.  I finally watched “Where the Wild Things Are”  what a great, perfectly crafted movie; it was right up my alley.

I didn’t make it to the nursery this weekend, but that is ok.  It is a funny thing how a temperature triggers my memories.  I must be some sort of thermometer.  The weather wasn’t right to pay my respects, which is what I suppose I am doing.  Maybe next weekend.

I upgraded the hard drive in my macbook this weekend.  I have never really upgraded a mac, there has never been cause to.  I just wanted more storage on my baby.  It was inexpensive to do the upgrade, so I went for it.  Note, have ALL of your tools in hand before you start.

I have tonsillitis.  I went to urgent care this morning, my throat and ear canal have been hurting pretty badly for about a week.  They checked for strep, no go.  They did some giant swab that they are going to send out to have looked at.  sounds creepy.  antibiotics and we shall see.

My diet is still going well.  I cheat a bit here and there; better than going bananas and eating 5000 calories a day.  I have done that, and probably more.  I’m all bad habit sometimes.

Jeffrey

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I don’t remember when I wrote this

An inspired view of my inner workings.

I do not know or even fully comprehend what I am going through right now.  For the outside observer one might simply think I am having a bad week, if this were only the case.

I seem to have so many cards stacked in my deck, or should I say stacked in my favor? AND YET I CAN’T GET A SEAT AT THE TABLE

DON’T WANT TO GAMBLE WITH MY LIFE NO MORE

You can see, that given these dire circumstances, how my life must be a horrible existence, yet quite often happiness eludes me.

I am not sure if it is the fear and guilt orbiting the thoughts of things in my past I haven’t fully untangled, the fear of having the rug of life yanked out from under my feet or the feeling that some piece or part of the puzzle is missing that feeds this dark mass of feeling

but it does seem life was significantly easier when I had few material possessions and even less responsibilities in life.  DID YOU THINK LIFE WOULD BE ANY EASIER WHEN YOU HAVE IT ALL

I do think sometimes that my attempts at love have been, to say the least, PAINED.

I was shattered into a thousand sharp wound-inflicting fragments.  When you get a splinter, the body either forces it out or absorbs it.  I do not know if my body reabsorbed all of that pain or forced it out.

I do remember feeling haunted for a long time, like a limb had been removed; yet I could still feel it from time to time.

which might very well be some undigested shards of pain being forced to the surface.  I am not sure how to explain the correlation between loving someone new with fears of history repeating itself.

Truth be told, which often it is not, I am scared to be in love.

and I cannot convict him of another’s crimes, but how can I learn from the past without letting it so completely affecting the present?

I will have many joys in life, and many days of sadness, this I am sure

He is not guilty of my past, nor I his.  So why can it pose such a threat to both of us?

I heard a fly buzz, and other dry moments.

I have a cold, a head cold.  I am a baby when I am sick; I could never deny that, but will inevitably try.  My head feels like a mushroom stuffed with cotton, baked in the oven.

It is moments like this that I think trepanning the skull might not be such a bad idea. Little scar, no more sinus pressure…  They make over a million different sex toys and nothing to really suck the mucas out of your head, seems  a tad unbalanced to me.

So Emily Dickinson I do not enjoy reading, which I have to for my ENG 125 course.  I heard a fly buzz… no that was a wasp.  I want to be asleep right now.

Tim’s best friend of all time, Donna, has been here since thursday evening with her son Andrew.  She is a ton of fun and he is a very sweet kid.  And I was sick.  I feel bad that Tim sees so little of her.  Poverty.