I don’t remember when I wrote this

An inspired view of my inner workings.

I do not know or even fully comprehend what I am going through right now.  For the outside observer one might simply think I am having a bad week, if this were only the case.

I seem to have so many cards stacked in my deck, or should I say stacked in my favor? AND YET I CAN’T GET A SEAT AT THE TABLE

DON’T WANT TO GAMBLE WITH MY LIFE NO MORE

You can see, that given these dire circumstances, how my life must be a horrible existence, yet quite often happiness eludes me.

I am not sure if it is the fear and guilt orbiting the thoughts of things in my past I haven’t fully untangled, the fear of having the rug of life yanked out from under my feet or the feeling that some piece or part of the puzzle is missing that feeds this dark mass of feeling

but it does seem life was significantly easier when I had few material possessions and even less responsibilities in life.  DID YOU THINK LIFE WOULD BE ANY EASIER WHEN YOU HAVE IT ALL

I do think sometimes that my attempts at love have been, to say the least, PAINED.

I was shattered into a thousand sharp wound-inflicting fragments.  When you get a splinter, the body either forces it out or absorbs it.  I do not know if my body reabsorbed all of that pain or forced it out.

I do remember feeling haunted for a long time, like a limb had been removed; yet I could still feel it from time to time.

which might very well be some undigested shards of pain being forced to the surface.  I am not sure how to explain the correlation between loving someone new with fears of history repeating itself.

Truth be told, which often it is not, I am scared to be in love.

and I cannot convict him of another’s crimes, but how can I learn from the past without letting it so completely affecting the present?

I will have many joys in life, and many days of sadness, this I am sure

He is not guilty of my past, nor I his.  So why can it pose such a threat to both of us?

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