I promise to be honest on this blog and change the names when I feel like it.  Atonement people, atonement.  That is one reason I will not lie on here.  that does not mean you can leave a comment question and I will answer all of them; nice try.

I am embarking on a new journey and I want to document it and I am too damn lazy with a pen and paper.

I promise to tellit like it is or was

I promise to really try to see my part in things

I promise to not blame others as an easier way out

I promise to TRY not to speculate about all the reasons my Dad wants no contact with me

I promise if it gets too messy I will keep writing

I promise to try.

No.  I am not; I have enough on my plate right now frankly.  But what if I am shooting myself in the foot and my “blog mentor” had the big idea that would turn my blog into a much acclaimed movie?  LOGIC would say that isn’t going to happen becaus I am mostly processing a difficult life on here and it is about to GET MESSY UP IN HERE!

Skeletons be fallin out the closet yo!  LOL.  sorry, I had to.

Wonderful movie.   Thr only problem with setting your hat out for elderly British woman actors is that I will have turned 50 and there will be no more movies to watch.

I I received my 20th high school reunion paperwork in the mail this past Saturday; the funny thing is even though I was absolutely miserable in high school and I mean absolutely miserable I’m excited to go. I’m excited for my husband and my kids to see where I went to school and I’m excited for my friends to meet my family I just hope the school itself is ready for a two dad family you walking around.   I hold no grudges and I argue that is what is allowing me to be excited. I wish I could do this in rest of my life.

Funny, as a gay man who is married with two children you think that would be my biggest fear when in reality my biggest fear is that I will be the fattest one there.   haha.

Sometimes we meet someone and the connection is absolutely kinetic.  It follows every hollywood diagram of love throttling across each neuron and synapse.  That was Jason.  He was everything that I was but better, on the surface.  He was a DJ, he had a job, he had cool friends and cool clothes and was still earthy and he understood my hippie sensibility. He didn’t judge me and he had a gentle voice.   It was kismet.  All good things as well as the things we desperately need to be good but never will be must come to an end.  That was Jason.  Jason was a dervish, a whirling chaotic storm inside and though he tried I suppose he did more damage than good in my life.  I cannot forgot him and part of me will love him as one does an old T-shirt or graduation tassel; it serves no purpose but we are too afraid to let go of it, to shed the thing we believe holds our memories.  Jason ultimately committed a true act of abandonment, one I have never forgiven; quite possibly because I do not think I have the energy in me to face those feelings.  That was Jason.  He turned out to be selfish with his love and generous with his hurt.  

This came up because I bought him a backpack.  A red timberland backpack some 13 years ago.  I just washed the backpack and it has held up a lot better than most things do.  All the dirt came out and was clean and new again.  I want a new backpack but am not sure I can let this one go.  That is me; ever unable to let things go.

for all those Americans who love this country, but not enough to really research your choice for President, here is some quick advice…

1. Mormonism is not Christianity; please do not cast your vote based on a religion that has more ties to Scientology than to Christianity

2.These are hard times. President Barack Obama did not cause the mess we are in. 20 years of Presidents did. Most people do not get their BA degree in 4 years anymore.

1. Truly believe in who you are voting for, you cannot endorse a candidate and say something to the effect of “I’m voting for Romney but I don’t believe in has stance on Gays or Woman.

2. You can always write someone in. Do not cast a bad vote for a bad candidate out of party obligation. I cross party lines on occasion and I have written in Senator Feinstein for many things.

3. If you do not vote, you have given away a tremendous right. If you are a person of color or a woman and you do not vote, you are spitting in the face of all of those that fought for your civil rights before you.

4. If you are Gay and you do not vote, enjoy watching your rights stripped away, one by one by one.

5. If you are going to bad mouth one candidate be prepared to listen to it about your choice of candidate. Don’t be a spoiled baby. Be open to a respectful debate.

6. Vote. Please Vote.

7. Vote or be Silent.

I was probably six years old at the time; something like that. I had a red bicycle. I loved the color red. My mother bought me a round, red, mylar, helium balloon. I loved the balloon. It was something new to me. I tied my lighter than air prized possession to the handlebars of my red bicycle and off we went on a ride around the block. I was thrilled in a way that only a small child could be. I got to the top of the hill and the balloon came untied and I wasn’t fast enough to grab it. I was destroyed, devastated. I had experience a life of loss and somehow, this was too much. I rode home sobbing, I cannot explain why but that memory is still painful to me, some 30 years later.

I don’t handle loss well, I never have. I know it seems silly on the surface, but a few weeks ago our son lost a necklace that my husband had bought him and I was so very sad for him; his total decimation surrounding his lost was too much to bear, so I made a u turn and went back to the store. We searched high and low and couldn’t find it. I asked at the check out and they said they would keep an eye out for it.

A few days later….they found it. I never did get my red balloon back but I will get a tattoo of a red balloon that says “let it go”.

Lets try and let go of some of the more painful memories we carry with us each day.