“Playing ping-pong with a pinecone” – Xzavier
You know what would be hard?
“Playing ping-pong with a pinecone” – Xzavier
Author Archives: Jeffrey
There’s Something Absolutely Wrong With What We Do To Boys Before They Grow Into Men
Bunkbeds
Putting kids to bed ON Christmas night has to be 1000 times harder than Christmas Eve. Neither one of them believes in the fat red man, except that I’m a fat red head.. Anyway getting these kids to bed last night was monstrous. I literally had to text Tim who was downstairs for reinforcements.
For a while I let it go because they were in their laughing sounding silly. they normally just bicker. They sleep in bunk bed which save space but not parental sanity.
If I were to sell their bunk beds I would list them like this:
Black Metal Bunk beds for Sale
Sturdy, Black, Metal. Ladder that no parent should have to climb while balancing a mattress on their head to put on a fitted sheet EVER, might inducing arguments about who is shaking the bed, may cause occupant of top bunk to complain that the other occupant is tickling their feet as they go down the ladder which “is hard enough without being tortured” kids think everything is torture. The top rail is sufficient to keep the occupant from falling off even when vomiting over the edge of it. No head rail to prevent pillow loss for the bottom occupant.
Bickering adjacent, near a crabby dad. Will relocate for grateful children.
I would like to remind these two boys that if these bunk beds aren’t good enough I would be happy to find them new ones…
Fathers Oath
fathers oath
• I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things fatherhood, for without it, I recognize that I may end up institutionalized. Or, at the very least, completely miserable.
• I shall not judge the father in the grocery store who, upon entering, hits the candy aisle and doles out M&Ms to his screaming child. It is simply a survival mechanism.
• I shall not compete with the father who plays football, builds tree houses, or never gets angry. Fatherhood is not a competition. The only ones who lose are the ones who race the fastest.
• I shall not question the father who is wearing the same jeans, crocs and t-shirt he wore to school pickup the day before. He has good reason.
• I shall never claim to know everything about any child but my own. (Who still remain a mystery to me.)
• I shall babysit the new kids belonging to friends and family, so they may shower and nap, which is all any new father really wants.
• I shall attempt to not pass down my own father issues to my son. He deserves a father who loves and respects himself; shortcomings, confusion about sports and all.
• I shall not preach the benefits of timeout or reward charts or video game time or appropriate television or sleeping clothes or crying it out to a fellow father who has not asked my opinion. It’s none of my damn business.
• I shall try my hardest to never say never, for I just may end up with a right-winged, republican, NRA member child of my very own
• I shall remember that no father is perfect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me.
I crossed two of them off, because I don’t babysit unless the child is asleep. Dirty diapers I don’t mind. Screeching I cannot handle. and the other one because If my children are kind and can support themselves then I was at a minimum, successful.
Thank You Betty Crawford – Swedish Pancakes
Many years ago when I was in the 6th grade my family slept around. Hahahahah Actually we were sort of doing a weird commute from our lake house and in town staying at friends houses while our new house was being built. Many times we stayed at the home of Al and Betty Crawford, and yes everyone one got the “you can call me Betty and Betty when you call me you can call me Al….” reference., a wonderful woman and wonderful cook.
Betty taught me how to make three things I remember to this day; ice cream with my very own Donvier pint sized Ice cream maker, fried mush which I will let this blogger describe to you here: Fried Mush, and Swedish Pancakes.
I haven’t yet make the boys fried mush because I do not think they will appreciate the seriousness of such a breakfast food, but who can say for sure; they DEVOUR the Swedish pancakes.
Here is the recipe:
4 eggs
1 cup of flour – Betty used to say a “scant cup of flour”
1 cup of milk
1/2 t of salt
1/2 t of sugar
in a frying pay melt a little butter and swirl some of this batter around.
They cook very fast, like a thick crepe, which is great because people eat them faster than you can cook them. I once had two frying pans going at the same time which was, in hindsight, not the greatest idea.
They should look like these photos, which I stole from the internet; Google Image actually. If they are yours email me so I can give you credit.
New YouTube Channel Set up
“Yay, i get Pre…
“Yay, i get Presents tomorrow”
It’s been a long time.
The trouble with long-term separations from people is that you have the illusion of knowing them, when if fact you only know how they were, not who they are.
As some of you know I have been largely estranged from my family for a long ling time. I think I haven’t seen some of them for probably close to 19 years; longer than I knew them in the first place.
During that time there have been life events; weddings, the birth of children, the adoption of children, illnesses, funerals, divorces and achievements that have changed the very fabric of who we are all as human beings not to mention how we view the world and interact with others. I do not know how to interact with some people from my past while others seem to be much clearer to me.
Tonight I asked someone something that I guess you shouldn’t ask people and no, it was not their salary. Because I figured I know this person, I felt comfortable asking them. They were offended by my question. I apologized and said Merry Christmas. On one hand I feel sincerely bad that I managed to offend someone two days before Christmas and on the other hand I feel like I should walk on eggshells to be some perfect glowing light person. If I offend someone in person I usually apologize on the spot and know what the person needs; space, a treat left on their desk, a hug etc. I don’t know what this person needs in order to know I meant no harm.
I guess what I am saying is that even though the title of a certain relationship is still there doesn’t mean that the relationship, in the deeper sense, is still intact. Kind of like diet ice cream; you can call it whatever you want; but it isn’t really ice cream.
I feel like I have one foot in one world and one in another. I cannot pull them together to create one world. Logically I know this to be true, but my heart doesn’t always accept this information as fact.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas…
I don’t really. I mean to say who wouldn’t want a hippo, or at least consider a pygmy hippo as an awesome Christmas gift? I am not getting one, nor a sea lion nor a walrus nor any cute animal that Timothy keeps reminding me will poo and pee all over the house and eat up our savings and that we don’t have room for. I sometimes wonder if we didn’t have kids if I would be allowed to have such animals because I like to keep my options open…
Every year Tim gets me a gift card for Christmas. I like it, it allows me further ways to exert control in my own life. Not this year folks. Tim bought me actual presents. I do not, not know what they are. They are a surprise. Mostly to you because I was there when I picked them out. But you don’t know what they are unless you are the one person I told who shouldn’t tell anyone because I was informed that I wasn’t supposed to tell. I was forgiven when I explained that I was too excited not to tell and that I was salivating over all three of them. They are all really neat and hopefully one of them if not all three of them will influence this blog. Maybe two of them but I am not sure how to incorporate all three in a safe and appropriate manner.
Xzavier was given his Christmas present phone back tonight and has been texting Tim and I non stop. I like texting with my son. When he texts me, he is my son. When he pees in the toilet and doesn’t flush he obviously belongs to Tim. Xzavier is an amazing kid. He tries hard in school, feels genuine remorse usually right after he realizes and accepts that he hurt someones feelings and is obsessed with hotdogs lately.
Every year growing up my Mom bought us a new Christmas ornament. I have continued that tradition although I have had to loosen my Nazi-esq grasp on all frosty blown glass ornaments to allow for Nerd Mickey Mouse – Tim 2013 and a fetus looking Spider Man – Junior 2013. Xzavier chose a tasteful frosty blown glass hotdog ornament. Again, a moment where he is my son.
Back to Christmas shopping. Today was the only day in 4 years that I actually went Christmas shopping. I usually have an exclusive relationship with Amazon.com. I will pay the extra few dollars involved to have the gifts I want to give people lovingly waiting at my front door when I get home each day. It also allows me to buy myself a few things here and there without the dirty looks from my loving husband because I say “those are all for you so lose the look” and then I scamper up the stairs to play with my new toy.
This year, several of the packages were not for anyone in my family; they were a family that some co-workers and myself adopted for the holiday. We usually have a white elephant gift exchange where we all end of with some 15-20 dollar piece of crap gift that someone was probably re-gifting in the first place. We all chipped in and made someone else’s wishes come true this year. The only downside is that my guilt that there weren’t enough gifts magically had the ability to spread to other peoples kids as well. We did our best. Something is better than nothing when it comes to Christmas gifts, not herpes so I’ve heard, but it is a good philosophy for gifts.
Merry Christmas everyone. I don’t have to say Happy holidays because it is my blog and I don’t have to be HR appropriate or PC. I celebrate Christmas. I live for stocking stuffers and hate wrapping paper. This is my holiday mindset; pick out what you want and I will buy it. I don’t need you to be surprised, I want you to be happy.
P.s. If you need to get rid of your pygmy hippo, please ship it to me via Amazon and I will just tell Tim ” that one is for you so lose the look” but like the moment when Xzavier picks an awesome ornament; the hippo will also be, just mine.
If you have sons
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-
1.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.
2.If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 60 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.
5.You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as baseball a long way.
6.The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s already too late.
8.Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,
10.Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.Super glue is forever.
13.No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14.Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.
15.electronics do not break on their own
16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.
19.Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.The fire department in San Diego, has a 5-minute response time.
21.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
Vittle Dee Dee 