” I love you”  reply – weirdo

“I love you”  – reply:  you are lovable , it was easy”

and we never got to play barbies.

The title of my autobiography…

My favorite potato chip flavor…

The smell coming from somewhere in my car…

ALL OF THE ABOVE

Tim’s two favorite things to say when he gets into the car.. ” who was in my seat” and “what smells”  I answer truthfully, no one, it bugs me when the seat is forward, move your Fred Flintstone head so I can see, and I don’t know, maybe my left over lunch or something.

My blog is like a neglected friend, it just sits there waiting for me and when I show up all I do is talk about myself.  THe mere fact that I get to write about me should be reason enough to visit it on a thrice daily basis.  Someone told me today that no one uses the word thrice and now I have so they really have no room to stand on.

I test drove a truck that I cannot buy for about 4 years, but it was nice all the same.

Is there anything that cannot be made of Lego’s?

movie time, and a shower.  maybe half a movie then a shower?  maybe that smell in the car was me.

I stayed home from work today, not something I really enjoy doing.  I could have a limb freshly amputated and would still feel guilty.  Something is seriously wrong with my energy level – frustration level.  So I slept, off and on until 1:50.

Mostly on.

I had a dream that I wrote an opera, composed is more accurate, but in my dream I had created one.  I am not even a fan of opera, go figure.  I like painting in my dreams, my work always comes out nicely.  My opera was haunting and angry.  Freud anyone?

I slept with my NAP pillow, recently purchased from Brookstone.  It is like sleeping on concrete that is molded to your head.  I liked it.  I have latency in my tendons in my joints.  Even my tendons are too tired to do their job.

I really don’t like missing work, at least not when everyone else is working.  My work defines me.  I heard someones father told them once ” find something you love to do, and then find someone to pay you to do it”  makes sense to me.  I sort of fell into financial aid, and although I enjoy the numbers part of it, it is really draining to me  to be yelled at so frequently.  I have a handful of students who seem to thrive on trying to yell me into helping.  I am more than happy to help, the yelling really isn’t necessary.

Oh, to top it off, I took the dogs outside to  “make” and one of them rolled in poo.  Yuck.  So I gave one of them a bath with a tshirt tied around my face because the smell was awful and we all know I don’t do well with smells.  I can see blood and guts, but I cannot do bad smells or dead dogs. (Tim and I saw a dead black lab on the side of the freeway on ramp a week ago and it is still bothering me)  As my bathroom, my shower and myself were soaking wet and covered in dog hair and wet dog smell I then washed the second dog.  Now I am exhausted again.  Not really a choice on the first dog considering the poo factor.  All them same.

I think I started 4 movies on NETFLIX  today and watched none of them.  I am a little miffed at them for not putting season 3 of Dexter online, but I probably would not have slept as much today if it was available so there is, I guess, a silver lining.

I have a new manager at work.  I clam I don’t want her as a manager.  I say that every time.  I’m loyal, and I like all of my managers eventually.  Spoiled brat I am. (my best Yoda impression)  I will say that she seems incurably intelligent. I’m not  anything but jealous I suppose.  Will I ever come across as that professional?  That responsible?

I should be an art teacher.

Hi Everyone,

Just checking in after a nice weekend.  I finally watched “Where the Wild Things Are”  what a great, perfectly crafted movie; it was right up my alley.

I didn’t make it to the nursery this weekend, but that is ok.  It is a funny thing how a temperature triggers my memories.  I must be some sort of thermometer.  The weather wasn’t right to pay my respects, which is what I suppose I am doing.  Maybe next weekend.

I upgraded the hard drive in my macbook this weekend.  I have never really upgraded a mac, there has never been cause to.  I just wanted more storage on my baby.  It was inexpensive to do the upgrade, so I went for it.  Note, have ALL of your tools in hand before you start.

I have tonsillitis.  I went to urgent care this morning, my throat and ear canal have been hurting pretty badly for about a week.  They checked for strep, no go.  They did some giant swab that they are going to send out to have looked at.  sounds creepy.  antibiotics and we shall see.

My diet is still going well.  I cheat a bit here and there; better than going bananas and eating 5000 calories a day.  I have done that, and probably more.  I’m all bad habit sometimes.

Jeffrey

I quit smoking this morning, I cannot think.  I started a diet today, I cannot eat.  I have a cold today.  What a wonderful Monday!

I am wearing my grumpy smurf pin as a warning, but do not think I will actually need it.  I feel ok.  Wish me luck

An inspired view of my inner workings.

I do not know or even fully comprehend what I am going through right now.  For the outside observer one might simply think I am having a bad week, if this were only the case.

I seem to have so many cards stacked in my deck, or should I say stacked in my favor? AND YET I CAN’T GET A SEAT AT THE TABLE

DON’T WANT TO GAMBLE WITH MY LIFE NO MORE

You can see, that given these dire circumstances, how my life must be a horrible existence, yet quite often happiness eludes me.

I am not sure if it is the fear and guilt orbiting the thoughts of things in my past I haven’t fully untangled, the fear of having the rug of life yanked out from under my feet or the feeling that some piece or part of the puzzle is missing that feeds this dark mass of feeling

but it does seem life was significantly easier when I had few material possessions and even less responsibilities in life.  DID YOU THINK LIFE WOULD BE ANY EASIER WHEN YOU HAVE IT ALL

I do think sometimes that my attempts at love have been, to say the least, PAINED.

I was shattered into a thousand sharp wound-inflicting fragments.  When you get a splinter, the body either forces it out or absorbs it.  I do not know if my body reabsorbed all of that pain or forced it out.

I do remember feeling haunted for a long time, like a limb had been removed; yet I could still feel it from time to time.

which might very well be some undigested shards of pain being forced to the surface.  I am not sure how to explain the correlation between loving someone new with fears of history repeating itself.

Truth be told, which often it is not, I am scared to be in love.

and I cannot convict him of another’s crimes, but how can I learn from the past without letting it so completely affecting the present?

I will have many joys in life, and many days of sadness, this I am sure

He is not guilty of my past, nor I his.  So why can it pose such a threat to both of us?

I have a cold, a head cold.  I am a baby when I am sick; I could never deny that, but will inevitably try.  My head feels like a mushroom stuffed with cotton, baked in the oven.

It is moments like this that I think trepanning the skull might not be such a bad idea. Little scar, no more sinus pressure…  They make over a million different sex toys and nothing to really suck the mucas out of your head, seems  a tad unbalanced to me.

So Emily Dickinson I do not enjoy reading, which I have to for my ENG 125 course.  I heard a fly buzz… no that was a wasp.  I want to be asleep right now.

Tim’s best friend of all time, Donna, has been here since thursday evening with her son Andrew.  She is a ton of fun and he is a very sweet kid.  And I was sick.  I feel bad that Tim sees so little of her.  Poverty.

I am in my livingroom listening to the song “Lament” from EVITA.  So you know.

The ticking of time, the light filtering through the trees on the edge of the yard illuminating the grass like a field of fires.  This is what comes to mind when I think of that time.  The time in my life for the ticking.  The ticking off of people from one of many lists that I need to call from to say my good-byes to the ticking of the clock in our downstairs hallway that has always seemed to tick louder when you were waiting for something important to happen.

I think that I would just go on living life as usual until the last month of my life if I knew it was coming.  I would still have a family to take care of, bills to pay and dogs to walk.  I would not want my family to remember that the last six months were spent on frivilous things.  I want them to remember me as a dedicated husband and father who expended every last bit of life or energy to make sure they were provided for.

The last month I would spend with my son and daughter and husband and friends and family.  I know how to use commas, but I want you to feel that I keep adding people to my lists of those I would want near me.

I know of my own mortality, I have dealt with terminal illness before and it has to prove to be terminal before I slow down, perhaps because I refuse to go stagnant and let it take over like vines on an old brick building.  I have too much to do to sit idly waiting for the ticking to stop.

tick

tick

tick

tick

I got a short email from my father the other day, it took me this long to respond to it.    Once upon a time I was not behaving like a man and did some things that I still regret.  I cannot tell you what it means to be emailing with my family again.  I miss them.  They are very close and a lot of fun and you would like them, everyone does.  I don’t know if he reads my blog, what ?!  he COULD be one of the three or four (on a good day) that does.  I just wanted you to know that if you never give up hope, you’ll always have it.  Have a great Saturday!!!